I couldn't finish typing the words I wanted to say the other day. Every time I start to say out loud that my MIL is deceased I get emotional and to be honest it just still does not feel real.
A long story short we jumped on a plane the following Saturday morning at 8am to fly to be with Hubbs' family. We didn't sleep at all Friday night, we paced the house, I was on the phone with the airlines trying to get flights booked and deal with that so Hubbs did not have to. He was in shock, he was trying to reach his sister and that night seemed to last forever.
Being past 32 weeks pregnant my doctor had told me not to fly but after reading the airline guidelines as long as I wasn't 36 weeks I could fly. I had no choice but to go, I had to be there for Hubbs, so off we went and we prayed nothing would go wrong in that area. I was 34 weeks at that point so at least that was working for us.
We spent 8 days at Hubbs' parents house. We planned the funeral, dealt with all the little details, or as much as we could so my FIL didn't have to worry. It was a complete blur of a week, we were exhausted, had hardly slept and since my MIL had so many friends we had at least anywhere from 50-100 people at the house every night. My ankles were completely swollen and I started to get cramps middle of the week.
The funeral was a beautiful service, over 500 people with there, she received more than 70 plants and flowers and I cannot even begin to tell you how many stacks of mail we went through with donations for her memorial or just money for the family. The overwhelming support from friends in their community was truly incredible. It meant a lot to have those people around us, but the entire time we were there I just kept waiting for my MIL to walk through the door. My SIL at one point made a joke that her mom should have made more enemies. It was funny considering the amount of food, drinks, desserts, and paper plates people were bringing over to the house to help take care of us. She was loved by so many people, its just not fair she isn't still with us.
I tried to be strong for Hubbs, I tried to put on a brave face in front of people but it was especially hard when her friends would want to come up to me and talk about the baby and how excited my MIL was to have another grand baby, a granddaughter at that and all the things she had told them about me and the baby. I felt this huge hole in my heart and while I know my baby will have an amazing guardian angel looking over her, I would give anything to have my MIL back. I miss her so much, she was a second mom to me. She was also a stepmom, and gave me such great advice, and her wisdom over the past three years. I will cherish those conversations the rest of my life.
I know time will help ease our pain, but I don't think Hubbs nor I will ever stop missing her, or wishing she was still here. She was a beautiful person inside and out, she was so kind, so patient, and always put others before herself. I found Christmas presents in her closet for the grand kids she had already bought. It made me smile.
We were fortunate to get to spend so much time with them because of the son, and I am so glad Hubbs went up in May to visit and was with his mom the weekend before she was killed. She was so young, and her death was just an accident, something so easily avoided....it really makes you stop and think about how truly precious life is, and how we should cherish those around us we love so dearly.
We have been back for a week and a half, things are tough, but we are getting by. I started to go into pre-term labor, so I have been put on bedrest until June 20th. Gotta keep that baby cooking for at least another week and a half. I know the emotional stress we were under didn't help me at all, but I am trying to take care of myself and the baby and hoping she doesn't come too early. Only 4 more weeks to go, pretty crazy.
We changed the baby's middle name to that of Hubbs' mom. I know she would like that and it sounds really good with her first name. I say my prayers every night and know my MIL is with us all the time and probably knows more about our baby then we do at this point. Losing a loved one is never easy, I hope the baby will be a good distraction for all of us, and having the son with us this summer will help Hubbs I know. Hard to believe we get him on June 19th. I am so looking forward to his visit. He handled the news really well, but has mentioned several times missing his grandma and wanting her to come back from heaven.
I wonder if the reality will ever really set in....
1 week ago
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