2011 has been an interesting year. One of great joy and happiness, as well as unbearable sadness. The year started out so promising for us, we found out we were pregnant, the baby looked healthy and all was well. Then a phone call in the night when I was 8 months pregnant forever busted our bubble. It has been 5 months to the day that my mother in law has passed. I miss her all the time, and still find myself wanting to text her a picture of little H or give her a call. Hubbs has handled his grief as good as can be expected but I know he misses his mother terribly, and often breaks down when his emotions get the best of him, or when he realizes he can't talk to her anymore, he can't tell her he loves her, and he can't tell her all about little H. I dressed little H in an outfit her grandma had given her before she passed. I didn't even realize today was the 5 month anniversary of her passing until I looked at the calendar.
I thank God that little H was born after losing my MIL because it brought happiness into our lives that we so desperately needed. She is a good distraction and has helped Hubbs and I deal with our grief. I have a picture of my MIL in little H's nursery of her when she was a child. I have several little reminders around my house other than pictures of my MIL and it helps to know we still have things that remind us of her.
After shortly returning to work, I found out one of my friends had been dealing with mono and had been admitted to the hospital when it turned into double pneumonia. She was a friend from high school, we had grown up cheering together and she married her high school sweet heart who was a great friend of mine as well. I went to a different college but we reconnected later and would meet for dinner and play dates with the kids. They have two boys 2 1/2 yr old, and an 11 month old. I didn't pay a lot of attention at first to the facebook posts from her husband because she had always been healthy she was only 28, I didn't think it was going to be serious. Even after hearing she was in ICU and had developed ARDS, I didn't realize the seriousness and kept thinking she will pull through, she is young, she is a mother with two young kids, nothing can happen to her. I said my prayers, asked my MIL to watch over her and her family but never thought for a moment she wouldn't survive. Then on Friday night (same night my MIL was killed) my friend passed away. Dealing with her death, feeling so much pain and sadness for her husband and their children was breaking my heart and I was suddenly back to the day my MIL was killed. I woke Hubbs up at 4:30 that Saturday morning, after I saw she had passed, and we just cuddled and cried in our bed. Not only had she been a friend but the pain of her leaving her two young sons really hit home with me. The thought have not being around to watch the son and little H grow up seemed unbearable. She had always been a wonderful mother, and loved her boys more than anything.
Her husband, my friend, and their two children have been in my thoughts every day. I wish I could take their pain away, they were the perfect family, they loved each other so much, and had been together for 13 years, how could God do this, why her? Why now?
It has been such a tragic set of circumstances we have had to deal with this year. I don't know how anyone ever recovers from losing a spouse so early with two very young children. I know her husband will never be the same. Hubbs, little H and I took dinner over to him last night. I tried to help with the kiddos, they are both so adorable and look just like their momma. Her husband looks about as good as he can, I don't think he is getting a lot of sleep nor is he eating much. It was really hard to see him in so much pain, he puts on a brave face but you can tell he misses her like crazy. I feel so helpless sometimes. I wish I could do more for him, for my husband. I hate to watch those I love suffer. It just feels surreal. Its hard not to be morbid, to think about all the possibilities that can happen to you, or the ones you love, its hard to deal with the day to day stuff when all I really want to do is love on little H and Hubbs as much as I possibly can.
I know they say to live everyday like it is your last, but when you have bills, kids, etc that is only so practical. It does make me realize how lucky and blessed I am to have those I love, and I try not to take that time for granted. You always think you have more time, I put off things because I figure we can do that next week or next year. Unfortunately none of us know if that is true. I will give my friend credit, he is remaining incredibly strong for himself and his boys. He is not angry, he believes the Lord had a reason to take her and feels blessed to have loved her for as long as he did. He promised to raise his boys in a way to make her proud and will carry the love for her he has to his grave.
It is a good reminder that truly things can always be worse, and never take what you have for granted because you never know when it will be gone.
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