Survival Mode

Survival Mode - I posted the other day about the son's lack of emotion.  I received a comment from a fellow stepmother who had similar issues with her stepson.  Her description of his behavior, and lack of emotion sounded very familiar.  She said I figured it was survival mode for him.  I had not ever thought about that being the reason for his behavior.  Of course I wondered if his situation (parents having never been together) was the cause of his distant attitude or if it was simply just him.  I started thinking more and more about this and have yet to draw a conclusion.  I am curious, however to get your thoughts.

To better explain the son, let me explain what we experienced in the 7 weeks he spent with us this past summer.  Our typical routine consisted of Hubbs waking the son up, getting him dressed and ready for school, then I would pick the son up from school, we would go home, I would make dinner and we would eat once Hubbs got home from work about 30 minutes or so later.  The son was always very clingy to Hubbs in the morning, he never quite seemed awake. Hubbs carried him down to our bathroom to do his hair, he would tell the son to tell me goodbye and give me a hug before he left.  Sometimes he would go along with this, other times he would start to whine and not want to say goodbye or give me a hug.  I didn't take it personal but it was awkward.

Then I would pick him up form school, and on most days he would run right past me to the door when I would get there, he did run to me once, but usually he would run to the door to leave asking where his daddy was and wouldn't acknowledge me at all.  I was 9 months pregnant so he usually left me in the dust.  No hug, no hello.  When we would get home he would want to call his daddy or play one of daddy's video games.  I would try and ask him about his day and he would just flat out ignore my question.   I would get in front of him and say, "The son's name, did you hear what I said?"  he would say. "No"  I would repeat it and he would stare at me and pretend he didn't know the answer or couldn't say the word.  It would get so frustrating.  My parents were living with us at the time and my dad works from home, so he would try and ask the son about his day, and he would flat out ignore my father, usually walking past him while my dad was trying to talk to him and never respond or even act like he heard us. 

My dad thought his behavior was weird, but again he hasn't known the son from birth and figured it was something Hubbs needed to talk to him about.  Hubbs told the son on countless occasions he was not to ignore anyone talking to him, he needed to answer people's questions and acknowledge them.  I told my parents not to take this personal, having the son at our house is an adjustment for everyone, he is away from PEG and we have no idea what emotions he is dealing with or how he is feeling.  I didn't think his behavior was acceptable but I was also willing to try and cut him some slack and let him settle in.  If he wanted something from you, he had no problems telling you what he wanted. 

After a couple of weeks of the same behavior day in and day out, I brought him home from school and he was ignoring me again.  I waited until it was about time for him to ask for a snack or something to drink and when he came up to me and started to talk to me, I ignored him.  He pulled on my shirt and kept repeating himself.  After a little time passed by I finally looked down at him and said, "See the son, how does it feel to be ignored?  Did you like when I didn't answer you back?"  His eyes got really big and he shook his head no.  I told him that this is what I had been talking to him about, as well as Hubbs and wanted him to know what it felt like.  I told him all I ever wanted was an answer, or an acknowledgement that he had heard me. 

I was hoping as he settled in more he would do better, but it only seemed to get worse.  It was such a frustrating time for me, and since he usually responded to Hubbs unless he really was distracted, Hubbs didn't seem to notice much.  It just struck a cord with me that something was off, I had never been around a child who acted that way.  Who would be starring right at you as you talked to them, but would not acknowledge you at all..  It was strange to me, and sometimes he would make this face like he knew he was ignoring me and was doing it on purpose.  Hubbs thought I was reading way to into it, and didn't think it was as unusual for a child to behave that way.  I don't think he wanted to spend our summer vacation harping on all of his wrong doings, which I can't blame him for.  My father in law came to visit a week after little H was born, and the son started to ignore him as well.  Hubbs got pretty upset with him, and I could tell he was getting frustrated with him as well, but my FIL would tell him no big deal. I don't think he wanted to upset the son while he was there for the weekend. 

Is this normal behavior?  I have no idea how the son treats PEG, but he seems to ignore the majority of adults, but does it least to my husband and my FIL.  Is this a survival mechanism because of his situation?  Does he not feel he can trust us?  One on one tends to be better with the son.  When he gets around a lot of people he seems to get really shy, and acts very awkward.  I know he is shuffled around a lot when he is with his mom because of her work schedule.  He spends quite a bit of his time with other people because she works every weekend and some nights.  I truly feel for him, and I hope someday he realizes how much more stable our house is for him.  We have the same schedule everyday, and have every weekend off. 

He does seem to respond more to male authority then women and I figured that would be common since he spends the majority of time with PEG and not with Hubbs he probably craves that guy/daddy time.  I don't know if he ignores people because he is trying to gain some control, or if he is testing boundaries.  I don't know the reason but I would like to know if this is more common then I realize and any tips on how to help him improve.  When we went to visit him in Sep, it seemed to be even worse.  He was in a foul mood on Sunday, and kept throwing fits, and ignored Hubbs and anyone else for that matter.  He wouldn't even hug any of us goodbye when it was time for Hubbs to take him back to PEG's house.  He was really sweet with little H, and seemed as attentive as a 4 year old brother would be.  I just worry about him and want to figure out a way to be able to communicate with him without him shutting down.